I received a lot of good feedback and discussion on the previous post, http://www.facebook.com/darcy.leech#!/notes/darcy-leech/an-open-ended-question-on-hope-and-unanswered-prayers/471345525814. I wanted to go a little deeper into why I would be motivated to share a personal revelation that reveals such a weakness. If anyone asks me how it was to live with a handicapped brother I say it was the biggest blessing in my life and has formed me and shaped me to be the person I am today. I know I was lucky, and I know God did much better and weaving the tapestry of my life than I could have asked even in the wisest of prayers. Not everyone gets the positive feelings I had in separating from a loved one through death. I knew my brother would die before I did from the day he was born. At age three my parents explained that to me and we lived our lives in a celebration and enjoyment of my brother’s short time with us. Because of our blessing in knowing that Dustin would die young, we had the chance to make the most out of his life. Not everyone gets that. On that previous note post, there were many others who commented about their loss, honestly expressed how it was difficult to realize that we don’t get everything we want in life, that loss is hard, and not all the emotions we feel in this complex world are positive. I appreciated that honesty so much, and appreciated more that the honesty of loss came with a reaffirmation of faith. In essence, I didn’t create that post because I was looking for reaffirmation that I was taking the right steps in my faith; it was a great side benefit though. I posted that because I wanted people to comment on it, to share, to express loss and pain openly and reaffirm that our God is big enough to hold us even when we aren’t 100% certain or 100% happy. Our God is big enough to let us pray, give us hope, let us hurt, let us die, and have us growing towards Him and His will through all the suffering. That is the biggest message I can give anyone – it’s ok, inevitable, human, that we feel hurt, sometimes lost, sometimes angry, but there is somewhere we can go no matter what the pain is – God. Isn’t that beautiful?
But I was lucky. I knew from a very early age God was with my family and that no matter what happened God would love and take care of my brother, even if he died earlier than I wanted. Not every death in a family is like that. Not everyone was lucky enough to be raised with a faith that let them pray fervently for something that never happened. Yes – I was lucky to have such an unwavering belief in praying for something that would not occur on Earth in physical form. I was lucky to have an unanswered prayer; it prepared me for life. I have wanted many things and not gotten them, but that experience taught me to want worthwhile things with passion, dedication and heart. I have wanted many things and not gotten them, but that experience taught me God has a better answer, something wiser and more wonderful than the greatest joy my simple heart could imagine. I was lucky to learn that my will is not what makes me happy in life, me getting my way is not what makes life worth living. I learned that lesson at an early age, and it hurt, but that lesson is so valuable, makes my life so much more content now that I’ve learned it. Not everyone gets the closure, the strong connection to faith, or really has an experience of feeling God’s love because they feel alone... they haven’t talked to anyone yet who understands and can share their faith.
The death in my family pulled everyone of my family members closer to God. My brother’s life and death made me a better person. I was lucky. There are those who don’t know the comforts of the faith so many of us expressed when telling of our losses. There are those who have a death in the family, perhaps even a violent death, and their faith in God and humanity suffer. There are those who lose their faith to the death of a loved one. Ellie Wiesel, the author of Night, is a famous example. Wiesel was a young boy when he was taken to a death camp for Jews in Hitler’s Europe. He saw so many die and asked: where is my God? We are all people of the faith, and Hitler is an evil man murdering millions. Where is my God and why does he not answer my prayers? Ellie Wiesel does not come out of his experience from war reaffirmed in his faith; he loses his faith. He is not the only man to lose faith from death, loss, or evil.
That is why it is so important to share our own stories, in honest pain, in honest difficulty, admitting that God doesn’t seem to answer every prayer, that sometimes it seems that things that shouldn’t happen do, that maybe evil plays out in the world because of human choice and God doesn’t always stop it before it happens. Yes – evil happens and God doesn’t stop it. History shows us that over and over again. It leaves a huge void for why. People ask why God allows evil and death everyday. I can’t give an answer to that. Philosophers have tried, maybe it affirms faith, maybe by allowing choice the human experience is more valid, maybe we need to be able to choose evil to really choose to be good. Who knows… but what I do know is that I was given a gift in that I kept my faith through my suffering and pain. I’m not meant to keep that gift to myself.
I didn’t share that story because I needed a pat on the back. I shared that story because I believe there is strength in admitting that faith isn’t always easy. I shared because I know people who have been hurt by experiences similar to mine, that their answer might be clearer if I can honestly talk about my pain and my journey growing in a mature spiritual relationship with my Creator. God isn’t a teddy bear, the world isn’t all good, and faith isn’t easy. What good is it to someone whose faith is hurt if we can’t admit that? What good is it to tell a grieving parent that God answers all prayers and has perfect timing when they feel their child was ripped from the world too soon? What we would say about God might be true – but faith isn’t that easy. Faith, in it’s struggle, is beautiful. If faith were a given, if faith weren’t a choice, it couldn’t be faith. If we knew God answered every prayer and that everything would happen exactly as it should, what is there to believe in? If our world were perfect… well, it isn’t. God is, but we aren’t. As humans we affect one another. There is murder in the world, rape, injustice, and some see that in God’s creation and lose faith in Him. If we’ve seen injustice, overcome loss, and have reason for faith – I believe we should be honest about what we’ve felt, the struggle it was to realize that the human condition isn’t perfect. Sharing the struggle helps build faith because it is a real connection to those who don’t believe God is perfect, that God’s timing is unquestionable, that God’s will makes sense no matter what we think of it.
I can’t show someone God, but I can show someone the real struggle and real journey that give me reason to put my faith in God. I can’t make some touch God, but I can share a part of myself, maybe connect to a similar experience or emotion, and perhaps touch their heart in a way that beckons them to seek faith. Christians say God has perfect wisdom and perfect power, but if we want to help people come to faith, help those who struggle in a world with evil and natural disaster, we can’t use God’s perfection as the reason to believe when so much in the physical world that they see, hear, smell, touch, and live in is far from perfect. If you’ve struggled in life and have faith, you’re one of the lucky ones. You don’t have to have a perfect faith; parts of faith are difficult for me, I disagree with things some would tell me I should believe, but I know and will never doubt that my Creator made me in Love and has offered me Grace through the Greatest Sacrifice He could give. But even if I had doubted God or Christ and again found my faith, I would have the gift. If you’ve seen pain and have faith you have a gift: you can connect to those who have seen pain in similar ways and have hurt faith, maybe never had faith, or lost their faith. You can help those who need God the most.
There is beauty in the fact that God gave us free will, even if it allows evil. There is beauty in the release of death joining us to heaven when God calls us. There is beauty that we are able to want things that aren’t in the plans, to pray for things that will never give answered. There is beauty in hope through the pain. If you’ve seen that beauty, you can give a gift… you’ve been given a gift. Use your story to help others that struggle. God didn’t make us isolated; no man is an island. In the human condition we are meant to share our stories, and that’s beautiful.
What do you think?
If you want to do some extra reading (as if these notes aren’t already too long for facebook) my favorite piece on evil and suffering is On Choice of Free Will by Augustine.
PDF NOTES: http://faculty.cua.edu/hoffmann/courses/201_1068/201%20Augustine-2%20DLA%201.1-11.pdf
TEXT: http://www.questia.com/read/82265498
MY PHILOSOPHY TEXT FROM COLLEGE THAT CONTAINS THE PIECE: http://product.half.ebay.com/_W0QQcpidZ1099507046QQprZ2292904
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